I’m live blogging the Oscars! What does that mean? Instead of doing a recap I’ll be giving you my thoughts while the show is airing and posting it right after. I’ll try and grab some pics but it’s a long show so who knows how it’ll go.

But first, here’s Olympian Adam Rippon in Moschino by Jeremy Scott looking fifty shades of bronze (get it? Because he won the bronze in PyeongChang) in this bondage inspired tux. Ugh I love him.

Oscar nominated movies in all the categories I saw this year: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri, Lady Bird, All The Money In The World, Beauty and the Beast, Victoria & Abdul, Heroin(e), The Disaster Artist, and The Big Sick. Not the best I’ve ever done but not bad either.

Shhh! It’s starting. Black and white opening with old time-y voice-over of red carpet and stars in the theatre photage. Hey host Jimmy Kimmel welcome back. The stage looks like a diamond explosion–it’s gaudy and I really like it. This is not a particularly funny opening but he did mention sexual harassment and the Parkland shooting, which is clearly not comedy material. New this year: Jimmy is timing the speeches and the winner with the shortest speech gets a jet ski! Oh look Helen Mirren is modeling it like Vanna White. Good job Helen nice to see you.

Viola Davis in hot pink sparkles looking like a Barbie in the best way possible presenting best supporting actor to…. Sam Rockwell for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri! The stage background has changed to Liberace’s entranceway. Sam gave a nice speech and Viola almost tripped walking off the stage. Careful Viola I love you and need you whole.

Gal Gadot in silver fringe majesty and major necklace presenting Makeup and Hairstlying with Armie Hammer in a maroon tux to…. The Darkest Hour. I mean, that makes total sense they did a ton of work on Gary Oldman’s face to turn him into Winston Churchhill. The stage now has stained glass detailing. The winner just thanked his cats!!! He is my soulmate.

Eva Marie Saint (93) is presenting for Costume Design and commented that she’s older than the Academy (it’s 90 this year). She seems great. The stage is now some grand Victorian masterpiece. I think the changing stage is my favorite part of the show so far. And the Oscar goes to… Phantom Thread. I mean, it’s literally a movie about clothes, it should probably win best costume.

Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern look like they’re coming out of the Beauty and the Beast set to present Best Documentary Feature. Laura has on large glasses representing all us four eyes out there! Icarus, which is apparently about Russian sports doping, wins. Adding it to my Netflix queue as we speak.

Taraji P. Henson is in a dress that is not only sheer with a slit up to her hip bone, but has crazy fabric sleeves. Mary J. Blige now performing her nominated song for the movie Mudbound. Ugh she’s amazing and the backdrop is raining and I’m feeling this performance.

Really long and boring montage of famous movies from 90 years of Oscar history. Yawn. I mean, great movies but let’s keep this moving. Shoutout to the Academy archives and the archivists who work there.

Ew Ansel Elgort is being fawned all over by Eiza González while they present Sound Editing. He’s a singer? Dunkirk wins!

Um why are those two still on stage? Oh they’re presenting another award, this time for Achievement in Sound Mixing. Fine. Dunkirk wins again!

Brief shoutout to the Governors and Scientific and Technical Oscars which are given out in November and February.

Lupita Nyong’o looking like a golden goddess (maybe just model next years Oscar on Lupita?) and Kumail Nanjiani looking like a guy in a tux make a statement about Dreamers. That’s really nice guys, way to shine a light on that important issue. They’re presenting Production Design. And the Oscar goes to…The Shape of Water.

Performance by Gael García Bernal from the animated film Coco. It’s very mellow and he’s not an amazing singer. Now here’s Miguel and Natalia LaFourcade doing a much more upbeat version of the same song but with with added dancers and confetti falling from the ceiling.

Rita Moreno is wearing the same dress she wore to the 1962 Oscars when she won for West Side Story but she made it strapless because she’s a boss. Best Foreign Language Film goes to A Fantastic Woman, a Chilean film about a transgendered woman. Brava!!

 

Mahershala Ali looks like a model and he’s here to present Actress in a Supporting Role to… Allison Janney for I, Tonya. This was her award to lose and I’m glad she won it. Her dress kinda looks like Julia Robert’s character in Pretty Woman but this one has MAJOR SLEEVES. I don’t love the clutch she paired it with. She thanked the bird in the film and I approve.

Jimmy does a stilted bit with his “nine year old self” before introducing Star Wars stars Mark Hamill, Oscar Isaac, Kelly Marie Tran, and BB8, who are there to present Animated Short Film to… Dear Basketball and it’s KOBE BRYANT’s movie! He’s an oscar winner!

Oscar Isaac says he can understand BB8 because he speaks yiddish? Hmmm. They’re still on stage to present for Animated Feature Film and Coco wins. Two of the people who won are gay and thank their same-sex spouses! Viva homosexuals!

Daniela Vega, the first openly trans woman to present at the Oscars (and star of A Fantastic Woman, which won earlier) is on stage introducing Sufjan Stevens’ singing his song from the movie Call Me By Your Name. This has been a very positive LGBTQ couple of minutes. Sufjan’s jacket is what happens when a barbershop singer falls in a koi pond. Is that St. Vincent on guitar behind him?!!! It’s even gayer than before!

Gina Rodriguez’s dress is so sheer but has about 1,000,000 yards of fabric. She’s there presenting Visual Effects with Tom Holland. Blade Runner 2049 wins.

We’re two hours in and we’ve got Matthew McConaughey (yes I had to Google how to spell his name) and his five o’clock shadow presenting Film Editing. Dunkirk is one fire tonight they’ve picked up this award too.

Jimmy has a bunch of stars get together so they can go surprise a group of viewers getting an early screener of A Wrinkle In Time across the street from the ceremony. Stars include: Gal Gadot, Margot Robbie, Lupita Nyong’o, Mark Hammil, Emily Blunt, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Ansel (ew), and director Guillermo Del Torro. They’re handing out snacks, and someone gave Ansel a hot dog cannon to shoot at people.  Jimmy you are trying very hard and I’m not sure it’s working. On the other hand, I hate fun so what do I know.

Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph walk out with their shoes in hand because their feet hurt. Amen ladies. They’re so funny and I want them on stage forever. And the Oscar for Documentary Short Subject goes to Heaven Is A Traffic Jam On The 405. I didn’t see it but I did see nominee Heroin(e), which is about heroine (and female heroes who are trying hard to save lives in West Virginia) and it’s both heartbreakingly sad and uplifting at the same time.

Oh thank god they gave them another award to present. Tiffany just asked Meryl Streep to be her mother. GIRL. Live Action Short Film goes to The Silent Child which is about a deaf child born into a hearing family that finally learns to sign. I desperately want to see it. The winner is signing her speech! I love her.

Dave Chappelle is here and he’s wearing his sunglasses inside. Common and Andra Day perform a song from the movie Marshall. Oh shit Andra is killing it and Common is talking some harsh truths about the NRA and women’s rights and immigrants. They get everyone on their feet. Exceptional.

Ashley Judd, Salma Hayek, and Annabella Sciorra, three women who’s stories have been instrumental in the Time’s Up movement present a montage of non white males in the industry doing their thing.

Margot Robbie (up for an award tonight and wearing a beautiful column dress that I want to cut the fringy sleeve bits off of) and Chadwick Boseman (in an awesome embroidered jacket) declare themselves not in Kansas anymore as an ode to their category Best Adapted Screenplay. Call Me By Your Name wins!

Nicole Kidman is in the shiniest, satini-est, gown with large hip bow to present Original Screenplay. This is a crazy stacked category with some phenomenal movies but the Oscar goes to….Get Out! Winner Jordan Peele is so great I’m so happy for him.

Wes Studi, Cherokee actor and veteran, introduces a montage of movies depicting the horrors of war and the bravery of soldiers. It’s very moving but I also feel like it’s an add for the military. Oh, it’s in thanks for the military? I guess I’m okay with that. Jimmy ruins the moment by “apologizing” to the military that the clips included Matt Damon and then segues into Barbara Streisand’s cloned dogs. What a weird tone.

Sandra Bullock! I love you and miss you make more films. She makes them dim the lights so she looks younger. Not possible she looks so young anyway. The Oscar for Cinematography goes to…Blade Runner 2049. 

Zendaya introduces Keala Settle singing a song from The Greatest Showman. It’s good, but when you’ve already had Mary J. Blige and Andra Day perform it’s hard to compete.

We’re three hours in now and I’m feeling it. Jimmy has changed into a white tux and he’s introducing the orchestra conductor. Hi conductor. Christopher Walken is here to present Original Score to….The Shape Of Water. The winner is french and his mother is turning 90 this year too. Just like the Oscars!

Emily Blunt and Lin Manuel-Miranda (both of whom will be in Mary Poppins Returns!) present the Oscar for Original Song which goes to…Coco. Seriously? Over Mary J. Blige and Andra Day? Hmmm.

Now for the sad part of the evening: Jennifer Garner introduces Pearl Jam‘s Eddie Vedder, who covers Tom Petty’s “Room at the Top” to accompany the In Memoriam section.

Alright guys, I know it feels like it’s been days, but we’re nearing the end I promise, so hang in there.

Emma Stone comes out in a shiny blazer and PANTS to present Best Director to Guillermo Del Torro for The Shape of Water.

Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda (I LOVE BOTH OF YOU SO MUCH OMG) came out holding hands. They get a standing O and Jane asks everyone how they like the sets. Jane, I for one think they’re great. Thanks for asking. They allude to the Me Too movement before giving the Oscar for Lead Actor to…..(duh) Gary Oldman for his role as Winston Churchill in The Darkest Hour. Just like Allison Janney, this was a lock for Gary and he thanked his mom.

Jodi Foster comes out on crutches and when J. Law (she’s co presenting with Jennifer Lawrence) asks what happened she points at Meryl saying she “I, Tonya’ed” her. J. Law then implies Meryl was also the reason she tripped when she won her Oscar way back in 2013. This whole banter is great. From now on, I only want Tiffany Haddish, Maya Rudolph, Jodie Foster, and Jennifer Lawrence to host things okay Hollywood? Oh and the reason they’re here is to present Lead Actress to….

FRANCES MCDORMAND for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri!! I cannot recommend this film enough just based on her performance and she made one of the best Oscar speeches of all time (get me Kanye on the phone). She had all the other women nominees in every category stand up with her and it’s like she knows my achilles heel is women supporting each other. Sob!

Look who it is, like a blast from past! Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty are back after last year’s now infamous Best Picture mix up to announce this year’s winner. What’s it going to be? The Shape of Water! Director Del Torro came over to check the envelope and that’s really what it said. Congratulations to everyone.

But wait! Who won the jet ski? Costume designer Mark Bridges! Helen Mirren looks like she’s having the best time. Which is as it should be.

So what’s the takeaway from this year’s show?

1. Time’s Up and Me Too are still going strong
2. Women and minorities are great and coming for your awards
3. I should probably bite the bullet and see The Shape of Water

Pass the popcorn.