Who: Just me

What: Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s Season 14(!) Episode 16 “A Tangled Web”

Where: My apartment

When: Saturday February 17 2018 (aired Sunday February 12th)

Why: Well I’ve seen all the others so why stop now

We open at Kimye’s house with Kim giving Scott a tour of her nursery-in-progress. He is very confused because he didn’t know they were having a baby at all, let alone via gestational carrier. Kim thought she had told him. Well, um, surprise!

I feel like I’m more familiar with Kris’s foyer and kitchen than my own apartment. Scott popped over to ask if he could go to NY Fashion Week with her and also (jokingly) ask if he could move into her home since everyone else has (at the time of filming Kylie had moved back in and Kimye lived there for like three years while they were doing house renovations). Kris is confused at first but then is like yeah sure why not, come. Oh and she casually mentions that Kendall is getting an award from the Daily Front Row for Fashion Icon Of The Decade. How is that possible? Kendall is a whole 22 years-old so which decade exactly are we rewarding?

Lunchtime at Chin Chin with Kim and Khloe. Kim went to a doctor’s appointment with her gestational carrier (she refers to her the whole time as a “surrogate” which is the wrong terminology but whatever I’ll roll with it) and people were taking photos. She’s worried the information will leak, which it clearly will. Unprompted, Kim tells Khloe that her line to parents who are worried about having a third kid is “what would we do without our Khloe?” That is sweet but also probably not something that would be particularly soothing to an anxious parent.

Kim: You could have a Khloe! Sane person: Dear God please no.

Back to Kris’s. Kim calls asking if there’s enough room to bring her stylist on the plane to NYC for fashion week. You know, she’s just focused on the necessities. Kris tells her Scott wants to come and that he’s trying to stay sober. Kim’s like ugh and doesn’t want to babysit him. Kris thinks this will be a good way to keep him busy and away from temptation. Or you know, he could stay home and hangout with his kids but sure a field trip to NYC to test the bounds of his sobriety is technically also an option. The real moral of this scene is that Kim is dying her hair blonde and it’s going to take forever so she can’t come to a meeting. I’m going to use this excuse for everything too.

Hey Kourtney’s house. Kim’s mad that her sisters are not more blown away by her hair change, which took twelve hours. They’re organizing the dealership of kids cars Kourtney has on her basketball court (Kourt! get it?) when they spy a spider! And it’s ginormous so they all freak out, especially Kim who declares it her worst nightmare. In fairness, it’s a giant tarantula and I would also not be okay with the situation.

NYC! Scott doesn’t want to go to the shows with Kim and Kris so I’m confused why he asked to come. Kris is worried that if he’s not with her he’ll act up so she’s planning activities and meals. Like he’s six. Who’s at the door? It’s designer Alexander Wang! I love his shoes with the cut out heel detail. Alexander, feel free to send me some.

Back at Kourtney’s, she and Larsa Pippen (ex of Chicago Bulls fame Scotty) are at the pool discussing Larsa’s golden nail color choice. They both agree it’s a little stripper-ish so take heed nail art enthusiasts gold now = stripper. Look out there’s another tarantula! Kourtney had pest control come and spray but clearly it didn’t eliminate the problem. She calls the company to come back out, but it’s mating season for tarantulas so they tell her it’ll be extra hard to get rid of them. They run off screaming while on the phone with pest control, and I’m sure that sales tech really wanted to hear that noise.

Back to NYC and Kim is pissed that TMZ has broken the story that she is 1) having a third baby and 2) using a surrogate. Kris and Scott are having dinner and she tells him that nothing good ever happens after 10pm (hint hint Scott). Scott’s like depends what you’re doing (so, definitely not taking that hint then). I’m with Kris let’s all stay in. Scott says he’s been out every night but he’s managed to stay sober and she’s proud of him. I mean, sure why not.

Kanye calls Kim and she tells him that news of their surrogate broke and that not only is everyone writing her about it, they’ve also published the age, nationality, and voting preference of the woman. Kim gets her attorney on the phone because she wants to sue the shit out of everyone and is freaked out that they have more information about her surrogate than she does. She wants to know what to tell the surrogate and the lawyer advises basically what you’d expect: lay low and don’t talk to anyone while he sends out a cease and desist.

One of Kris’s activities is to take Scott to go look at the Bergdorf Goodman’s windows (celebrities, they’re just like us!) before going in to shop. Scott buys a Celine bag for “her” (ooooh mystery! Come on Scott, we all know it’s Sofia Richie) while Kris contemplates a Kimono.

Back to Calabasas and Khloe is working on a puzzle. Maybe recommend that to Scott as an activity. Kourtney brings her kids over and they want Lucky Charms because Khloe’s house has all the sugar options. She’s such a mean mom (sarcasm) and says no because she’s ordered them Sugarfish (which is a super fancy sushi restaurant) for dinner (just wanted to fit one more parenthetical into this sentence to prove I could). Kourtney tells Khloe they’re going to be staying in her guest house for three weeks. Tells not asks, which is confusing for Khloe but she says sure. As if on cue, the kids go nuts and Khloe just looks overwhelmed and like she wished she didn’t live only a block away. They have dinner and go outside to make s’mores. Kourtney leaves the wrapping on her chocolate and only notices mid bite. Lord help us. Khloe tells the kids a scary story about a spider that eats kids and Kourtney somehow takes away from this experience that she should go home and tough it out. Genius mind trick there Khloe.

In the Big Apple Kris, Kim, and Scott are at Kendall’s award celebration in a hotel conference room. She just wants to use this opportunity to inspire people and I’m like literally so inspired so good job Kenny. She talked super fast through her speech and didn’t thank her mother, which Kris was quick to point out. Kim is surprised at how good Scott’s been in NYC and I am too. He’s usually a walking disaster.

Kim is upset she has to do red carpet press because she doesn’t want to confirm the pregnancy yet, but also doesn’t want to deny that it’s happening. She settles for the time-tested “we’ll tell everyone what’s going on when we’re ready”, which is totally fair.

Time for Alexander Wang’s show and Kendall is walking in it. He made a bunch of headbands that look like the kind you wear on New Years Eve except these say “Wangover” on them. Fashion.

Back at Kourtney’s house post fashion week Kris and Scott are having a “talk” about his relationship with Sofia Richie.  He’s super uncomfortable and vague while Kris is trying to pry information from him, except she says his behavior makes it “like fishing for salmon”. That is not an expression. Kris points out that Sofia’s 19 and he’s 34 and he fires back that she was with Robert Kardashian when she was 17 and underage so they were in the wrong not him. What an excellent deflection from the fact that that’s still quite the age gap you’ve got going on Scott.

Kris wants to be kept posted on the relationship and he’s like what? We get a talking head of him saying he’s just trying to be respectful of everyone involved, but I think he’s just scared to show up with a teenager and look ridiculous. Scott, trust those instincts, they are correct.

Next time: Khloe and her best friend Malika are fighting, the family watches a video of Scott interviewing Kris, and Kendall has some sort of unidentified emergency. Can’t wait.