Time after time: Sister Wives “Polygamexicamist Wedding” 12×9 Part 1

Who: Just me because my mother refuses to watch this.

What: Sister Wives Season 12 Episode 9 “Polygamexicamist Wedding” Part 1

Where: My apartment

When: Sunday February 18 2018 (originally aired on February 11th).

Why: Because I can’t look away from this train wreck.

Cast of characters: Kody (the husband), Meri (wife #1), Janelle (wife #2), Christine (wife #3 and mother of the bride, Mykeltie), and Robin (wife #4).

But my order of favorites goes as such: 1) Christine, 2) Robyn, 3) Janelle, 15) Meri, and 52) Kody. You have a noticed a tiny gap in the numbers, I just want to give you perspective on how far down the ladder I’d place them. Ok moving on:

It’s Mykelti’s (20) wedding day to Tony (23) in St. George, UT and a portion of the family is there early setting up decorations at the country club (their theme is “vintage Mexican”: she’s the vintage and he’s the Mexican). It’s really cold and windy and everyone hopes it gets at least warmer, if not less windy, by the ceremony. Christine, Mykeltie’s mom and Kody’s third wife, has arrived in a novelty t-shirt and a can do attitude. I expected nothing less from her.

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That’s probably good advice. Credit: TLC

Mykelti leaves to go get ready at the time share her parents (rented? got?) and Tony is getting ready with his “brosmen” (kill me now) aka just wasting time because all they have to do is get dressed. Meanwhile, the girls have only one hair person and two makeup artists on hand to get everyone photo ready. The parents are talking about how Tony is not a verbal person, he shows love with action. Ok great for him.

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How about not. Credit: TLC

Kody says it’s really hard to be a polygamist man on his wedding day and didn’t get a chance to “connect” with either Christine or Robyn on their wedding days. Apparently that’s hard to do when your other wives are watching. What? Who would have guessed?!

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Oh I’m sure they’re a walk in the park compared to wedding days for the women. Credit: TLC
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Oh Janelle, why did you wear black on your wedding day? Credit: TLC
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This picture looks like it belongs on the walls of a haunted house in Scooby-Doo where the eyes follow you. Credit: TLC

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whole conversation about if Kody should wear his hair in a ponytail or not for the wedding and he gets voted down. Meri and Christine are not in favor of his hair up while Janelle and Robin find it hot. Kody today is not about you. Believe it or not, this is not your wedding. You’ve already had four, don’t be greedy.

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No. Credit: TLC

But why doesn’t Christine want him to wear his hair up? I mean, besides the fact that it accentuates that he’s balding and has very thin hair? Because she’s wearing her hair up and doesn’t want them to look like twinsies.

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But think of the Instagram potential! Credit: TLC
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That’s in the pre-nup. Credit: TLC

 

 

 

 

 

Maddie (Janelle (wife 2)’s daughter) is due with her first baby in May and they haven’t found out the sex yet. She’s glad she’s only pregnant with one but eventually wants to have twins so she can dress them the same. But can they have matching ponytails? Caleb (her husband) wants a boy first for manly reasons. The moms didn’t have any twins themselves, but as a family Gabe, Gwen, and Aurora were born in the same 12 months, making them sort-of triplets.

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Pregnancy party! Credit: TLC
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I’m not sure that’s a positive. Credit: TLC

 

 

 

 

 

Christine is starting to stress, but it turns out the clock is an hour ahead so everyone can calm down and breathe. Mykeltie’s not going to stress but her sister/maid of honor Aspyn certainly will.

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Time is just a construct probably invented by the patriarchy. Credit: TLC

 

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That’s supportive. Credit: TLC

All the bouquets are handmade flowers with individual fabric petals that were constructed by a several indentured servants family members. It took months to get all the bouquets done and by all accounts everyone was tortured by the process. Listen, I love a good arts and crafts project as much as the next girl, but at some point I’d have chucked the fabric out the window and called a florist.

 

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What every bride wants: more mothers of. Credit: TLC

 

Mykeltie gave each of her four moms a project. Find items to satisfy the old adage that the bride needs to have “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue” on her wedding day.

 

Robyn picked something old and gave her an antique hair pin and earring set. She did something very sneaky in this gift, and ensured that by giving her a hair pin, she’d have to wear her hair up. While Robyn wanted it up, Tony really wanted it down, and the two had been arguing over it. So what did Mykeltie do? She went for the middle ground and did a half up-do. Maybe we should appoint her ambassador to the Koreas, see if she can come to an amicable agreement.

Janelle got something new and bought her a faux fur shawl to wear at her winter outdoor wedding. Mykeltie is dead-set on have her wedding outside and she won’t let something like ice on the ground stop her. Or that her her ring bearer and flower girls have colds. There’s no indoor contingency plan so everyone better just suck it up!

Meri had the hard task of something blue and went with a blue and white pearl bracelet set.

And last but certainly most importantly, Christine’s something borrowed was that she cut up her wedding dress and made it into flowers for Mykelti’s bouquet.

Robyn immediately bursts into tears and it’s such a sweet sentiment but I’m not sure it’s technically borrowed? Like, Mykeltie doesn’t give the flowers back to her mom, she keeps them forever. Which is not what “borrowed” means. I know I know, that’s such a nit to pick because clearly the meaning and sentiment is the important part… but, yeah, not borrowed.

We get a flashback to Christine trying on her wedding dress prior to cutting into it and getting very emotional over the process. Ugh, my poor shriveled heart can’t take the sincerity.

Quick move on to something I can make fun of!

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Go hangout with Christine and discuss time/the patriarchy. Credit: TLC

Phew! It’s picture time before the wedding, and the bride/bridesmaids are running late because that’s the law of weddings. Tony is very frustrated by this so he helpfully tries to motivate them by standing in the hallway yelling hurry up. Ah, romance.

 

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You can see only a fraction of her bridesmaids there. She had like 10. Credit: TLC

Tony doesn’t understand why they’re doing a traditional “first look” because he’s already seen her in the dress (he went with her and the moms dress shopping, which they did not approve of at all). In the end he stops grumbling and they get the shot. See? Was that so hard? Now smile for another 1,000,000 pictures.

Alright wedding time! But wait, Christine left Kody’s shirts (yes, as in plural. Why does he need multiple? Is he going to change for the reception? Mysteries) back at the hotel which is 30 minutes away from the venue. I’m a little bit confused because before we saw Kody dressed and debating what to do with his hair. I guess he changed? Whatever, the point is now he’s gotta leave the premises. Why is it always about you Kody even when it’s not technically your fault?! Argh!

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Sometimes you’ve just got to laugh to keep from murdering. Credit: TLC

How is our very calm and chill bride taking the news? Pretty well all things considered. She’s trying to get the troops downstairs but no one is interested in doing that. Tony has decided that it’s so much better upstairs and is busy schmoozing with all the guests. Tony! Get downstairs.

The other very important wedding person adamant that they will not be moved is Christine, who is determined to wait for Kody so they can see Mykeltie together. And, since Kody has gone off to get his clothes, who knows how long that will take. Mykeltie, how do you feel about this?

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Zombie Bride does not care about your special moments. Credit: TLC

Yeah, I thought so.

Will anyone ever go downstairs? Will the weather clear up? Will Kody make it back to the wedding? Will we find out why he needs multiple shirts? Stay tuned friends. Stay tuned.

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