She’s in actual La La Land: Taylor Swift’s “Delicate”

You guys we’ve got to talk about Taylor Swift’s new music video for her song “Delicate“. It’s weird. Now I admit to liking a lot of songs from her previous album 1989, but her latest album, Reputation, doesn’t have the same pop-y fun. She’s too obsessed with the great Kim reckoning of 2016. In fact, she should have just called this album I Hate Kimye And I Have A New Boyfriend And He Is Way Better Than My Last One. Hmmm come to think of it that title might be too long.

Just in case you don’t remember here’s a brief timeline of the Saga of Kanye and Taylor:

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And yet here we are. Credit: Caitlin Bitzegaio
  • 2009 Kanye interrupts Taylor’s VMA speech telling the world Beyonce should have won for “Single Ladies” #truth. #immaletyoufinishbutbeyoncehadthebestvideoofalltime
  • 2009-2015 Kanye goes on a half-assed apology tour and Taylor milks her position as a victim.
  • 2015 they seem to bury the hatchet when Taylor presents Kanye with the VMA Video Vanguard Award. Awww everyone’s playing nice.

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    Appropriate face when getting a giant cube of flowers. Credit: Cosmo
  • February 11th 2016 Kanye’s song “Famous” comes out and he raps: “I think me and Taylor might still have sex/ why? I made that bitch famous”.
  • February 15th Taylor gives a speech at the Grammy’s after winning Album of the Year where she makes a point of saying that no one can take credit for your fame and success. Subtle. Kanye claims he ran the lyrics by Taylor but she says nope never happened.
  • June 2016 Kanye ups the ante with his music video that has lifelike nude waxes of a variety of celebrities naked in the same bed, including Taylor. Match meet gasoline.

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    Still so creepy. Credit: Cosmo
  • July 2016: Then comes the greatest moment of my year/possibly decade. Kim posts video of Kanye and Taylor talking about the song on Snapchat where we hear her okay the song. Internet loses its mind, I lose my mind, we get a National Taylor Backlash.
  • July 2017: 1 year anniversary of Kim dropping those receipts is on National Snake Day.

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    Nice Kim. Credit: Cosmo
  • August 21st 2017: Taylor deletes everything from her Insta except three videos of snakes.
  • August 27th 2017: Taylor releasssssses the music video for “Look What You Made Me Do” which features all the snakes serving her ALL THE TEA.
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Family portrait. Credit: TaylorSwiftVevo

Besides that being a fun walk down memory lane what’s my point? I think the stress of being the queen of snakes, not America’s victim sweetheart has taken its toll on poor Taylor and she’s lost her mind. Your honor I present as evidence to this claim the visuals for her latest mediocre song “Delicate“. The song lyrics are not related to the video so they will be ignored, (also I don’t have time to go full I’m-practically-an-English-major-show-me-your-metaphors on her right now). And now, members of the jury, I just want you to know that I got all the images by screen grabbing TaylorSwiftVevo but there are so many coming up I couldn’t face writing “credit” under all of them. And here. we. go:

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This is literally the opening shot. Is it possible TayTay’s not a real person? If you told me that was the newest Barbie to hit the shelves I’d totally believe you.

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It appears Taylor’s being interviewed outside of a hotel? In an alleyway? We get a few shots of the interviewers and fans soundlessly yelling at her, presumably out of joy.

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A black suited person walks by and hands Taylor a note but you can’t really tell because I’m not always great at screen grabs.

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Surrounded by four bodyguards, Taylor enters this hotel? Conference center? Train station? There are people dressed in fancy clothes but the woman on our left is in casual jeans and a coat. Just tell me where you are Taylor!

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Taylor stops to take a picture with fans before being physically assaulted by the bellhop? Conductor? The thing is, Taylor actually was assaulted by some gross radio dj in 2013–she won a symbolic $1 and Time Magazine put her on the cover as part of their #MeToo coverage, next to Ashley Judd, Susan Fowler, Isabel Pascual, and Adama Iwu. Taylor does everything on purpose, and I’m wondering why she wants to remind us of that incident in this context. It’s a striking image to have this screaming man being pulled away from her.

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And we go right from Taylor being assaulted to annoyed by her bodyguards as you can see by her excellent posture here. Um Taylor remember that crazy guy? That’s why you have them.

She goes off by herself to the largest bathroom you have ever seen  (Tay get some female bodyguards) and proceeds to make the following bizarre faces in the mirror:

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*Speechless*

Some girls walk in, disrupting this masterclass in face theatrics and she very normally turns to wave at them while the note she got from black suit guy shines on the countertop.

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OMG Taylor doesn’t have a reflection anymore! Because of the glowing note? Is she actually a vampire? Taylor proceeds to leave the brightly lit piece of paper on the counter…

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…and go check to see if the girls can see her by waving her hand in their faces. Taylor if they CAN see you they have a hell of a story to sell to US Weekly. Turns out they’re oblivious to her and she seems unsure if she likes that she’s receiving no attention.

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Obviously screen grabs are still hard for me but more importantly Taylor goes back to jump around her bodyguards to truly test if she’s invisible. Unless they have the stoicism of those Buckingham Palace guards and are just messing with her, she’s definitely good to go.

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Taylor ditches her shoes and the bottom half of her dress–thank goodness she was wearing one with a detachable element–and thus begins 2:21 seconds of a really, really, really, bad dance sequence that involves the following moves:
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Oh girl no what is that.

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I mean sure I’ll take this.

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Point your toes!

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Pretty sure aggressive counter marching is not dancing and how’d you get up there so fast?

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Wait her bodyguard’s still carrying that guy around? That seems excessive.

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All that dancing is hard work, so Tay puts out her hand and she’s now in a dark wood paneled room. Magic. The room tilts but she somehow rights it through the power of dance?

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Is this her Dancing With The Stars audition tape?

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Literally my face watching this video.

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How’d we get here?!!

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Yeah you’re still invisible Tay sorry to get your hopes up. Is there going to be more plot now?

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Everyone this is not a drill: Taylor Swift is performing a modern dance routine in the subway. Actually, it’s mainly a lot of vogueing–is this a signal to her ex-best friend and super model Karlie Kloss that she wants to repair the friendship?!!! I’m such a genius.

Oh god those of you that are squeamish look away now

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TAYLOR!!!! TAYLOR NO YOUR FEET! THEY ARE TOUCHING THE SUBWAY NO TAYLOR WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER SOMEONE COME GET HER! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHILE YOU’RE INVISIBLE? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN’T GET DISEASES BECAUSE BACTERIA ARE ALSO INVISIBLE? THEY DO NOT WORK THAT WAY TAYLOR! TAYLOR!!!!

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WHAT NO THIS IS NOT A COMPROMISE WHAT ARE YOU DOING PLEASE GET OFF THE FLOOR NOW YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT

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Thank you, now where are you going it doesn’t seem like you’re familiar with this subway or how one rides it. What’s wrong with your shoulder? Is it all the bacteria?

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I would just like to report that the subway took her to a construction site/alleyway where she is continuing her SHOELESS dance in the rain. Taylor, are you have a Britney circa 2007 level breakdown? I am legit concerned.

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Public Service Announcement: gutters and puddles are not the same thing TAYLOR.

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Good take a bow and go inside please young lady.

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AAAAAAARGH!

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OK I am very impressed with your flexibility. Is that the end of the dancing now please hopefully please?

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Oh great you’ve found a bar called the Golden Gopher (And it’s real? Did they pay you to make this video? Is this just the world’s longest ad for a bar?).

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Wait where’d she get that piece of paper from? Taylor left it at the counter what feels like an eternity ago when she discovered her invisibility. Sorry, why am I trying to make anything make sense anymore. Go on with your crazy self.

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Magically it appears the people in this bar can see Taylor and are probably wondering why she’s sopping wet and has no shoes on. Trust me patrons of this fine establishment, some things are better left unknown.

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Taylor presumably finds the guy who gave her the note and we end with her smiling into the middle distance with her mascara and lipstick intact.

And that your honor and members of the jury concludes my argument that Taylor’s clearly lost her mind. I would like to charge whomever told her that she can dance with willfull endangerment of Taylor herself as well as my eyeballs. I rest my case.

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Literally me right now. Credit: Pinterest

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