Super Bowl LIII: IS KYLIE ENGAGED? no

OMG you guys it’s Super Bowl Sunday and that means this blog is officially one year old. Crazy how time flies when you get too busy to post anything. One of my resolutions this year is to come back to the blogosphere and I thought I’d start off with the Super Bowl– but keep your eyes peeled because the first two episodes of Season 2 of Seeking Sister Wife have just been uploaded to TLC and you know I’m going to be diving back into that pool of insanity.

Anyway! To the sports!

This year the LA Rams played the New England Patriots in Atlanta and I didn’t watch any of the game because I didn’t have the energy to even pretend to care. Let’s be real, the only reason I even know who Tom Brady is, is because he’s married to supermodel Giselle Bundchen. The bigger story of course, was who was going to play the halftime show? In the wake of player Colin Kaepernick’s racist treatment by the NFL, and the fact that the game would be held in Atlanta, many black artists were pressured not to perform. Rihanna and Cardi B both turned down the opportunity in support of Kaepernick so the NFL gave the gig to Maroon 5, a band made up of 5 white men. Interestingly, rapper Travis Scott aka Kylie Jenner’s baby daddy, will be onstage, as will rapper Big Boi, a member of Outkast. Both rappers were criticized by their fans for taking the gig, and Jay-Z apparently spoke with Travis about it, but Travis claims he only accepted after the NFL promised to donate to charity, which they did. Travis and the NFL separately gave $500,000 to Dream Corps. and Maroon 5 gave $500,000 to Big Brothers Big Sisters, and while that is extremely generous it is still bizarre that both rappers wanted anything to do with this game. There is some speculation that Travis will propose to Kylie either onstage or in the immediate aftermath of the game, which is why he agreed to perform. Obviously I love that Kylie announced the birth of Stormi last year right before the game, essentially stealing the NFL’s thunder. I would literally die if she managed to upstage them two years in a row. The odds of this are slim to none but let a girl dream. Anyway, besides worthy charities getting some donations and me watching Kylie’s instagram for all the clues, I think that the best part of all this has been learning that Big Boi owns two owls named Hootie and Hoodini. Those are excellent owl names.

Onwards, but before we start, please note that all screen grabs were taken from Stacy Nguyen’s upload on Youtube.

We begin with a moody giant blue M on the field to really set the tone.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.32.29 PM

What is the temperature in Atlanta right now? Because frontman Adam Levine’s in a peacoat and sweatshirt, keyboard guy has on a pink hoodie, and the drummer is in a t-shirt.

Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 9.38.49 PM

Okay Adam takes his coat off almost immediately to reveal more of his sweatshirt and play guitar. At first I thought his guitar had a cow pattern, but I think it’s supposed to look like the white paint’s chipped off after some hard rockin’. Adam asks if he can play guitar for us, and then demonstrates that the answer is in fact: no.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 9.45.54 PM.png

Squidward! Stephen Hillenburg, the creator of Spongebob Squarepants died this past November and I remember reading that there was a petition to get Spongebob into the Super Bowl and over 1 million people signed it. I can’t believe the NFL went with it, they must really be trying to make nice with the public at the moment.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.34.08 PM

Squidward and co are actually introducing the arrival of Travis Scott via flaming meteor. This was a cool effect, but the cameraperson could not keep their camera steady once he “landed” and watching him felt like being on a rocking boat. Travis’s set involved a lot of fire and bleeping of words and I would have gladly watched him the whole time.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 10.35.33 PM.png

Travis then joined Adam so we could see his outfit and I’m not totally sure what he’s wearing. I think it’s a leather vest over a tight shirt, cuffed jeans, and a fannypack/harness made out of a skinned teddy bear.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.35.05 PM

After only 42 seconds and one song Travis left us Jesus style. CROWD SURFING IS NOT A PROPOSAL TRAVIS! Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.36.08 PM

Drum line! You can’t see in this shot but they had women on the team. Why are they here?Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.36.20 PM

Ugh, it’s to intro “Girls Like Me” and we KNOW Cardi isn’t even going to pop up and save the day. Also, Adam has unzipped his sweater and I am not sure what is going on with that shirt.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.36.28 PM

What this song did not need was a gospel choir but the woman second from the left sang her face off and I love her. Also, this band member in a suit playing guitar has great hair.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.38.30 PM

Bye choir, now Adam’s interacting with the fans on the field and nearly all of them are holding lanterns. I assume the ones in the air are drones because they spell out “one” and then rearrange to “love”. Spare me.

 

 

With NO TRANSITION we go from lanterns and love to Big Boi riding onto the field in what I assume is a fancy car and enormous fur coat. I don’t understand.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.40.59 PM

Adam has switched his previous sweater for one that says Atliens, which is Big Boi’s merch. Hey, get that publicity. Sadly, the man on the right in red is not Andre 3000, arguably the best part of Outkast.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.41.14 PM

Attention! Adam has removed another item of clothing! Now we can look at his very tattooed arms, but don’t stare too long at his shirt because you will get a migraine. Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.42.43 PM

When I initially saw that shot I thought Adam had shaved his underarms and was intrigued that a male performer would do so, but on closer inspection he did not. There goes that thesis idea. Moving on.Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.44.43 PM

Oh God, he’s removed his shirt to sing “Moves Like Jagger”. Maybe he heard I didn’t like that shirt and was trying to appease me. These gyrations are not Jagger moves. Also, everyone was mad about Janet’s nipple but two of Adam’s are totally fine? I’m giving the NFL a red flag or whatever for this gendered nonsense. #freethenippleScreen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.44.54 PM

To end that lackluster performance with fire works seems sarcastic.

Screen Shot 2019-02-03 at 8.45.51 PM

Let’s recap my feelings in no particular order:

  • After all that hoopla, Travis Scott only performed for 42 seconds. The NFL made a donation of $500,000 so Travis could rap 42 seconds of “Sicko Mode”. What?
  • Adam removed 4 items of clothing throughout his set. That felt like the worlds longest strip tease.
  • Adam’s voice was alright and kudos to him for singing live and hitting those high notes.
  • None of the interactions between the performers seemed remotely natural and I think Big Boi was only included because he’s from Atlanta.
  • Why were there no transitions between songs?
  • Do the other members of Maroon 5 mind that Adam gets 99% of the attention?
  • Travis did not propose which was the right call because it would have been a train wreck, but one I’d like to see.
  • Even though this performance included fire, drones, a drum line, Spongebob, and three acts it was still really boring and I’ve already forgotten chunks of it.

Oh and apparently the Patriots won, so congrats to them.

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